Dog Gone: Part One

The feeling that something is wrong creeps into my dreams, tugging. Now conscious, I lift my head and yawn to get rid of the leftover sleep. I test the air with my nose. There’s the familiar smell of home, cooking mixed with the scents of my pack, human and animal. Another scent reaches me, faint, but getting stronger. I know this smell. It’s too much, too strong. My fur stands up. Sammy.

I get up from the couch in the living room and pad up the stairs towards Ilana’s room where Sammy stays. I never make it to her room. Sammy is lying on the floor in the hall. His breathing is shallow. I walk up to him. My paws are wet. Blood. So much blood. I didn’t know he had so much in him. He’s so little.

He looks at me from big foggy eyes. He’s been mostly blind ever since I met him. He stays in his bed on the floor in Ilana’s room and sleeps all day. He only really gets up for her. I used to try to get him to play, but he just grumbled at me. He’s always grumpy, except when Ilana is there. She loves him. She’s going to be sad. I know he can’t be fixed. I can already smell past the blood.

I’ve smelled this once before. One of the guinea pigs had this smell. Ilana cried for a long time. Then she took the guinea pig out of the cage and put him in a shoe box. She took the whole thing outside and buried it while our whole pack watched. Mom said something about the guinea pig’s life. I don’t remember what. I only remember how much Ilana’s lips quivered and how red her eyes were. And that was only a guinea pig. This is Sammy.

Sammy moves his head a little. I bend closer to examine him. His jaw hangs funny. That’s where he’s leaking. I lick him there to try and stop the leak. My mouth fills with warmth and metal. It’s no use. It will stop soon, when there isn’t any more left, but I can’t stop it. Not even with my big tongue. Oh Sammy! You can’t leave. What will Ilana do? What will I do? We need you. I can’t take care of her by myself. I can’t get through thunderstorms without you.

My paws are soaking now. Sammy is soaking. His own life surrounds him in a pool. He moves his head slightly again. I look into his glass eyes. He’s almost gone, but I know what he’s saying. He wants me to take care of our girl. He needs me to do this thing because he can’t stay anymore. It’s his time to go and my time to be strong.

I don’t want to be strong.

I shake my head at him. He blinks once more. His eyes say I can do it. I have to. Then they glaze over. Empty. Sammy is gone. I lift my head up to the ceiling and howl, long and low. I wish I was a human so I could cry. I look down at the empty body at my feet and my brow furrows. Why did you leave?

I bound into Ilana’s room and jump on her bed. I make dark paw prints all over. I rear up to reach the shelf above the bed. Ilana puts her stuffed animals up there, away from me. I strain to reach one. I grab it by the foot and drag it down on to the bed. I rip into it. Satisfaction overwhelms me. I tear off the head and pull the stuffing out. It takes no time to destroy this toy. Ilana will be mad…later.

I’m surrounded by the limp stuffed animal carcass, stuffing innards, and bloody paw prints. I look at Sammy again through the doorway. I rush off the bed, through the blood, and down the stairs. I leap at the front window in the living room and search the sidewalk. I want to tell someone what happened, but I’m alone.

A rabbit eats grass on the front lawn. I bark at it. I bark and bark and bark. My deep bark starts to pitch higher. I bark until my voice hurts. The rabbit hops away. I run back upstairs, through the wet, and climb onto Ilana’s bed. I settle in amoung the stuffing and stare at the empty dog body in the hall until I fall asleep.

Dad is home.

“Mika!” he calls, “Come here Miki.”

I don’t move.

“Mika?”

It’s a question now. I can hear him clomping up the stairs.

“Jeezus. Shit,” Dad inhales.

Dad found Sammy. I lift my head. I get off the bed and come to the doorway. I sit and look at him and wish again that I could cry.

Dad looks at me, “What happened? Did you do something? God Miki, tell me you didn’t do anything.” Dad covers his face with his hand and takes a deep breath.

I cry at him with my voice.

His hand drops. He backs away from the Sammy mess and kneels. “Come here Miki. I know you’re a good girl. But I have to check.” His voice is gentle. He gives me a tight smile.

I come over to him and he examines me. Then he walks over to Sammy and examines him. There aren’t any bite marks of course. I would never bite my little big brother. I’m hurt that Dad would think that but I know he had to make sure. It’s because of that name people always call me: Pit Bull. It scares a lot of people but I still haven’t figured out why.

“Alright,” Dad turns away from the body, “Come on. I’ll take you out and then I have to clean this up. Ilana can’t see him like this. It’ll break her.”

I bark in agreement and for the first time since Sammy left, I wag my tail.

I can do this, take care of her. I will keep my promise to Sammy.